Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone wearing Crocs just told me to never judge someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes.

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   Today's World : You Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your relatives as far away as possible

   Tell me what you want, so I can be sure to ignore you more efficiently.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   If you're not sweating, you're not doing it right

   I'm the Kristen Stewart of not knowing how to react to a compliment.

   Your day sucked, huh? I'm sure Facebook would love to hear about it.

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.

   Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are

   Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing

   Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things