Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.

   Good hair day = New profile picture.

   The first rule of Women's Fight Club is: We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it and never let you forget it, A$$hole.

   People love you if you can take them out of their comfort zone, comfortably.

   I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

   You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   Don't make love by the garden gate....love is blind, but the neighbors ain't.

   I’ve decided to spend this Valentines Day with the one I love…. I just really hope she’s working her corner today.

   Ladies if you have a daughter she will learn and emulate your behaviours so tone down the b itchy attitude and try a little graciousness

   My wife loves role playing in bed. Her favorite is playing dead.

   My best sex move usually comes in the form of an apology.

   Not cool, midgets shopping at the mall during Christmas. Very confusing.

   If you're really happy, someone's probably lying to you about something.

   i can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.

   When you wake up at 3am for no reason, there is an 80% chance that someone is staring at you...

   I hate waiting until I'm dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.

   Was described as a great dad by my son, further proof that children have horrible judgement.

   If a guy blogs for any reason other than getting snatch, he probably doesn't like snatch...

   Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....