Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its that time of the year where the work office decides to do secret santa again and this time its under $25....I'm getting my co-worker a pack tooth brush with about $30 worth of tooth paste!

   Bowl cuts will never go out of style. Unless they somehow become stylish first.

   Pessimists see the Glass as Half Empty, Optmisits as Half Full. Rationals see the Glass as two times bigger than necessary.

   after all those years working at the Nuclear Power Plant, Uncle Ron was the hands-down favorite to win the 3-legged race.

   thinks there's no substitute for research quite like making sh*t up.

   thinks the study that came out yesterday saying the more educated you are and the more money you make the more likely you are to drink is wrong.. I think the more you drink, the more likely you are to think you are rich and smart!

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

   I was going to post about being paranoid, but I'm afraid that will lead them straight to me!

   Ever think about some of the things we say? Exactly how does a person "turn up misssing"?

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   In the game of Life, everybody is bald and rides with the top down.

   says that "I call 'em like I see 'em" loosely translated to "Im a douchebag, deal with it"

   Car dealerships greatly over-estimate the allure of tents.

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   "No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   The idea is to die young as late as possible

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   Man vs. Wild = MAN WINS!!.....Man vs. Discovery Channel = The Police Win!! I can't wait to watch the Discovery Channel Special of the Hostage Crisis on the Discovery Channel.

   Has once again found why murder should be legal.

   The 1960's were when hallucinogenic drugs were really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.