Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets just say today I need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two!

   Anyone can have knowledge, however it is only through age that you develop wisdom.

   Just saw the couch I sold at my garage sale at another garage sale

   Uses profanity the way Picasso used a paintbrush.

   thinks rock is dead. And paper killed it!

   FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though...

   come to realize that housework is a lot like shoveling the driveway while it's still snowing, come back 10 minutes later and it looks like you never did it....LOL

   Officially became an organ donor today. Unfortunately, instead of saving anyone, I think they'll probably just be used for those "after" pictures

   irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

   Dennis Leary is my calm inner voice.

   I wish that some conversations came with a fast-forward button.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

   Arguing with a fool proves there are two.

   All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

   If everyone that receives a fruitcake for Christmas donates them to the government, Trump can build the brick wall!

   Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

   thinks you're his smartest and best-looking friend on Facebook. (Thanks for not telling the others.)

   Happy birthday USA! On a side note thanks to President Whitmore, Captain Steven Hiller, David Levinson and Mr. Russell Casse for saving us from aliens in 1996!

   You know who sucks Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.