Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.

   .I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"