Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.