Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.

   .I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?