Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   Why doesn't the White House have a BIG YARD SALE to pay back the debt?

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial.

   There is really a Miss Facebook beauty pageant. I wonder if the bathroom pictures are scored lower?

   if by Jareds you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jareds

   I need constant reassurance, right?

   If I want your opinion I'll......actually forget that....I'll never want your opinion.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   Insanity means never having to say “I'm Guilty”.

   May 21, 2011 6:00pm?? Wait...where in the Bible does it mention clocks?

   How would you even go about putting 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the first place?

   in the worst pain I've ever been in!! Hit a dry spot on a Slip n' Slide.

   People like to talk about other people....it diverts the attention away from them.

   You know what sucks, when the people you are staying with have a grandfather clock and it chimes the number of hours. Know what sucks more, it is set to military time.

   Guilty people answer questions with a question.

   Try saying Whale Oil Beef Hooked without sounding like a drunk Irish man.

   Follow your dreams......except those weird ones!

   begining to suspect that my friend's tell me they don't have any single friends for me to meet so that if they in fact become single again they will have dibs.

   Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials.

   I just love hearing somebody lying, when I know the truth..