Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of life's purest joys is discovering that something has pockets.

   Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   How do I set the laser printer to stun?

   In other news, Farve says those texts and voicemails were intended to go to his wife. Jenn Sterger picked them off and took them to the house.

   Ever accidentally pull something out of your purse thinkin it was a pen when checking out?? Yep, that's how my days goin...

   Feels bad for dads taking their sons to the girls shopping aisle to get a nice pair of tight apple bottom jeans. Keep your heads up dads. This emo style wont last long.

   According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."

   feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast!

   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

   that Bud Light Lime has less calories, carbs & fat than 2% Milk...it's not looking good for milk right now.

   I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.

   forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   tired of reading pregnancy and baby updates EVERYDAY! I don't care if they slept for 4 hours or had their first poopy diaper!

   Dear automatic paper towel dispenser mechanic, could you please program this nifty devise to dispense more than just enough paper towel to dry my pinky..... Thanks!

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.