Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   If Biden had a quarter for every smart thing he ever said, he’d have two dimes.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   Five years investigating Trump’s taxes and Biden owes 500k. Lol

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.