Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

   Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.