Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   back pain is just youth leaving the body

   Justin Bieber has changed his name, at least on Instagram, to "Bizzle" apparently in order to up his "street cred". Why can't Bieber just up his street cred like rappers do and get shot?

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

   Women are always complaing that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around.....That's because women take up all the closets

   Bit Strips. A step up in the minds of those who normally post that they're going to Wal-Mart.

   I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.

   nice try auto flush toilet, but there's more where that came from..

   Every taco bell value meal should be called a number 2

   Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I'll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags

   Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.

   If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.

   "Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

   If someone says "bathroom policy" one more time, I'm going to have to kick a chick in the nuts.

   If any of you ever hit rock bottom, please bring me down some vodka.

   If I was married to a supermodel, my balls would always be deflated too...

   It's like my daddy used to always say, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ANYWAY?"

   Education is important but happy hour is importanter.

   If you carry the bricks from the past, you'll only end up building the same house..,,

   You had me at "hello," But lost me at "bae"