Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In line at walmart. The lady in front of me had a lawn chair, a can of beans and a box of that summers eve douche rinse. I'm afraid to imagine what her weekend might consist of

   Justin Bieber takes home Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards...and you wonder why the rest of the world hates us so much...

   You know you're lonely when your friends on Grand Theft Auto don't even answer the phone.

   New rule if you can't spin the price is right wheel all the way around then instead of trying again you go to jail, how exciting would that be?

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car.

   when your hand gets stuck trying to reach the Pringles in that friggin' tube - STOP EATING THEM!!

   I think "Fo Shizzle!" should be an answer on The Magic 8-Ball.

   Gee! that lady from Operation Repo gets bigger with each repo :O

   Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   Just because you're corny in real life, doesn't mean you have to be corny on faceboook... It's your second chance!

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   thinks people find me annoying but are too polite to say so, and I find that ...annoying.

   Love has its own time, its own season, its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coax it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you...

   abstinance makes the church grow fondlers

   feels it's "BEER O'CLOCK"

   You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   How do I get my husband to clean? I tell him I might be bringing home a girl for a threesome.