Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"

   I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

   Cop: Turn around Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round. Cop: Turn around! Me: Every.. *gets tased*

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   A non-smoker told me that with all the cigarette packs I bought, I could have bought a Ferrari with that money. My reply to him was "Where's your Ferrari?".

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."