Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.