Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...

   Well, if tonight's election proves anything....its that the unions were a lot more effective when the mob ran them.

   Ladies, don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.

   3 kinds of women:- Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened.

   I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.

   "I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."

   Love how the Salvation Army gets top dollar for donated old crap...I thought they were supposed to help poor people. Sorry Mr. Freezing Homeless guy..that coat is $40.

   Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

   How Do People Know Dinosaurs Roared If Nobody Ever Heard One?!,...Maybe, They Meowed

   I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...

   Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.

   When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

   I'd rather watch a candle melt than play a game on Facebook

   I love how some of you judge the people that are shopping at Wal-Mart while shopping at Wal- Mart.

   F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"