Funny Status Messages

   instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .

   I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the batch of cinnamon rolls in the oven!

   The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

   Oh christ it's Olympic Soccer. If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take some of my single friends to the bar.

   Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   Sorry ladies, no more Ding Dongs---and sorry fella's, no more Ho Ho's...R.I.P. Hostess! ツ

   If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!

   I'm trying to make a Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twerking

   it safe to comeback? Are the kids back to school yet?

   When I run out of whiskey I tend to drink non-alcoholic beverages like beer, wine & rum.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.

   If you listen to a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear messages from the devil. Even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Justin Bieber.

   It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.

   Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   Oh and for all those polar bears are losing their homes because the earth is heating up people ..Tell the polar bears to bring their furry asses to Indiana they will feel right at home