Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.

   To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   it just me or does Justin Bieber's new haircut make him look like Marcy Darcy from "Married With Children"?

   Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'

   The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off

   When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.

   Just because it"s called spandex..doesn't mean it should be put to the "how far can it expand" test.

   If you ran as much as your mouth you'd be in great shape

   If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

   Keep your FRIENDS close and your Enemies on Limited Profile.

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.

   Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize

   I think the dentist is mad at me. She came back into the office and was like, "I know I said get comfortable, but I'm gonna need you to put your pants back on." Well I'm gonna need you to be a bit more specific next time!

   Sometimes, I feel really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

   The problem with your face is that it looks like you.

   just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!!

   's Words of Wisdom: Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend!