Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.

   Everyone wants to be Mexican for today Cinco De Mayo.. But nobody wants to work like Juan

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

   Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.

   Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   I saw an ad on Craigslist that said "Radio for sale. $1 as is. Volume stuck on full." I thought "Wow! I can't turn this down!"

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.