Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a new study women with large asses live longer.........the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives

   Today is national tinfoil hat day. Ok, it's not really, but I don't want to be the only one wearing one.

   Goodbye Memorial Day weekend. Like a fifth of Vodka and a handful of prescription painkillers you made Monday more bearable......

   I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."

   Just checking if anyone on the other side of the planet has been blown up yet? Maybe been hit by a flaming meteorite? Mayan zombie hordes roaming the streets? Nope? Just want to know if I have to set my alarm to get up for work tomorrow...cheers

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   I'm not a "stalker". I want to make sure you're okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.

   I heard some people talking sh*t about you, they were saying you loved c*ck sandwiches, but I stuck up for you. I told them you don't even like sandwiches.

   Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.

   Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.

   Why do porn sites have a 'Share to Facebook' button? Who watches porn and thinks, 'You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends.'

   The only appointments I'm ever on time for are disappointments.

   Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn't live in glass houses.

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Masturbation - When you want a job done right you've got to do it yourself.

   there anything lamer than sharing a FB profile with your wife?? Grow some effing balls or come out of the closet already...

   Some people say, “Facebook me” while others say, “Follow me.” But, I miss the classic, “blow me.”

   Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.