Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I piss awesomeness. Awesomeness burns, right?

   Mom used to let me lick the mixing beaters when she'd bake a cake.....seems like it would have been better bonding between us if she'd shut the mixer off first though....

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.

   lets flip a coin....heads I get tail and tails I get head!!

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.

   If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

   i am a leader not a follower so therefore I dont twitter.

   According to the anti-piracy ads "Copying DVDs is stealing" By that logic, taking a photo is kidnapping.

   Ever look at your friend's photos on facebook and think to yourself "She is way too hot to be with that loser!"? Um, me neither. Actually it was a rhetorical question.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I wonder how long I can keep telling my kids I'm gunna call Santa..

   Well then....whatever cranks your tractor.

   I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

   so we are all in the basement watching Dora. And, Dora and Boots can not figure out how to get pass this big red line when Max (10 yr old) says, "It's the border Dora! You are not supposed to cross it!"

   To make sure not to lock you small children in the hot car, be sure to leave something important in the back seat like your cell phone.

   My fortune cookie read: "HELP! I am being held captive at the fortune cookie factory."

   I live the same way as I type... fast and with lots of mistakes

   when I was your age I lost my tooth, not my virginity

   wants to remind everyone that all those little ghosts, goblins, princesses, and witches are having the time of their life so please drink responsibly and drive safetly.