Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.

   Facebook - creating and destroying relationships since 2004.

   I found the key to success...however, I found a note from success's landlord saying that the locks have been changed.

   Happy St. Patrick's Day. with that being said....i don't own any clothing or buttons or ribbons that are green...so if you pinch me....expect a punch to the throat.

   remembers when sex was safe and sky diving was dangerous...

   I heard they found the deadly Egyptian cobra that was missing from the Bronx Zoo.....It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse!

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   I'll have to google this to be certain, but I don't think a witches tit is this cold.

   Okay........So on a scale from one to Courtney Love how drunk are you right now????

   it just me, or does "I Am Number Four" just sound like a really bad Brett Favre pickup line?

   If love truly is blind, she probably can't tell the difference between a gold necklace and a chain of paperclips, right?

   I could totally be on jeopardy, as an audience member...

   If tit for tat doesn't mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

   My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   This just in: The meteor that hit Russia caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements...

   People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. If I saw someone vanish right in front of me I would FREAK OUT!

   When i'm available no one texts me. But when i'm busy... BAM! ...still no one texts me !!!

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.