Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   Nothing says 'Self absorbed a$$hole' like liking your own picture

   Women + yoga pants = WIN!

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga

   Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect..

   Just sent out 200 text messages to random phone numbers saying "Happy Father's Day! I'm pregnant!" Now listening to the police scanner for my daily entertainment.

   i buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free.

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.

   Looks like Comey will now be able to wake up every morning and watch The View.

   It's so cold, I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up.

   I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.

   newest kill off of wildlife to hit the news. 2.5 million eagles fans just dropped outta the playoffs

   somedays you're the duck, somedays you're the goose.

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?