Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flights so low I got Bible study in Jerusalem tomorrow

   Today's drink: The Quarantini. It's a regular martini, but you drink it alone in your house.

   Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.