Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...

   I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!!

   Whenever I buy a box of condoms I always look the cashier in the eyes and say ''Where's your fitting room?!''

   deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

   So the Pope walks into a bar........ because now he can.

   Dear exes- please try to maintain yourself decently so that I'm not embarrassed when people ask if we dated. I will Deny You

   Instead of facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   Ben Affleck....as Batman? What, couldn't get Betty White?

   Ariel Castro found dead in cell. Hell is burning a bit brighter today. Its the feel good story of the day...

   we are making money again... markets are going up up up

   I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits.

   My ex asked me how I've been. I just said 'Better without you'

   ran 2.7 miles today. apparently the ice cream truck doesnt have rear view mirrors.

   Don't ever think you're nothing because somewhere along the line, there's going to be someone who thinks you're everything.

   Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

   Having one of those days where I'm seriously considering swallowing a handcuff key....Just in case.

   The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.

   Most of the people in our generation are stupid because we had to grow up watching Elmo.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.