Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   Ben Affleck....as Batman? What, couldn't get Betty White?

   Ariel Castro found dead in cell. Hell is burning a bit brighter today. Its the feel good story of the day...

   So the Pope walks into a bar........ because now he can.

   Dear exes- please try to maintain yourself decently so that I'm not embarrassed when people ask if we dated. I will Deny You

   Instead of facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.

   we are making money again... markets are going up up up

   I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits.

   My ex asked me how I've been. I just said 'Better without you'

   ran 2.7 miles today. apparently the ice cream truck doesnt have rear view mirrors.

   Don't ever think you're nothing because somewhere along the line, there's going to be someone who thinks you're everything.

   Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

   Having one of those days where I'm seriously considering swallowing a handcuff key....Just in case.

   The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.

   Most of the people in our generation are stupid because we had to grow up watching Elmo.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   To Kim Kardashian: "They playin' my Jam"...seriously??? I've heard better tunes coming from my ass after chilli n' beer night. Please don't sing any more songs. The only "tapes" you should be mixin' are sex tapes. LOL! Seriously, I'm just sayin'....

   Kinda cool seeing the page count here look like years we know!