Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
←Rate | 05-13-2010 16:17 by Jeff Comments (0)  

   messageicon met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...
←Rate | 07-08-2010 14:58 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
←Rate | 01-17-2010 02:43 by Ginger C. Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm
←Rate | 02-07-2010 18:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper
←Rate | 03-01-2010 21:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!
←Rate | 08-26-2010 17:58 Comments (10)  

   messageicon sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
←Rate | 09-10-2010 09:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.
←Rate | 07-15-2013 08:40 by Bobo The Chimp Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 12:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...
←Rate | 02-27-2013 22:00 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:45 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.
←Rate | 09-03-2012 07:58 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
←Rate | 09-24-2012 08:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 07:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 00:46 by Zinc Comments (4)  

   messageicon I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
←Rate | 06-16-2013 14:00 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.
←Rate | 12-22-2012 00:19 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.
←Rate | 06-27-2013 14:52 by truebeachbabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.
←Rate | 08-12-2013 19:58 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
←Rate | 09-29-2013 02:19 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

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