Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 134 of 5816

   messageicon Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option
←Rate | 03-13-2011 21:08 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.
←Rate | 03-21-2011 20:40 by SlowMotionNinja Comments (0)  

   messageicon I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
←Rate | 03-25-2011 10:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!
←Rate | 05-23-2011 10:42 by Rashad Hammoud Comments (1)  

   messageicon Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.
←Rate | 05-10-2011 04:20 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you were raised catholic...if while watching Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you respond "And also with you"
←Rate | 04-16-2010 10:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.
←Rate | 10-18-2010 14:39 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
←Rate | 05-27-2010 19:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, iPhone...Stop correcting all my 'F#CK"s to "DUCK"s. It makes my Strongly-worded texts sound Cute and Adorable...
←Rate | 12-29-2009 17:44 by Vitamin N Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're tired of everyone's FB status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status.
←Rate | 03-25-2010 13:12 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!
←Rate | 01-26-2012 20:32 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you
←Rate | 07-21-2011 15:48 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
←Rate | 05-09-2013 17:33 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
←Rate | 03-05-2013 11:54 by Val S Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
←Rate | 09-24-2012 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
←Rate | 09-30-2012 04:59 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.
←Rate | 02-13-2014 19:33 by ImSoFunny Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.
←Rate | 10-22-2013 20:55 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?
←Rate | 10-28-2013 17:58 by snotty Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left