Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 Comments (4)  


   messageicon Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.
←Rate | 12-21-2010 20:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.
←Rate | 01-12-2011 08:29 by Kevin Comments (0)  


   messageicon my anger management class pisses me off..
←Rate | 11-15-2010 21:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."
←Rate | 11-18-2010 18:57 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  


   messageicon After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 16:32 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm
←Rate | 02-03-2010 11:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best way to get back on your feet, is to miss a car payment.
←Rate | 02-15-2010 08:45 by Mduduzi Gama Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.
←Rate | 03-11-2010 14:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
←Rate | 04-01-2010 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
←Rate | 04-22-2010 12:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.
←Rate | 05-03-2010 17:26 by Joser Comments (1)  


   messageicon Note to the asshole who parked too close: "Sorry about your car door. I liked it so much I put a ding on it."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser Comments (1)  


   messageicon Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...
←Rate | 06-11-2010 01:26 by Señor Frog Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 04:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,
←Rate | 12-19-2010 16:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
←Rate | 01-18-2011 17:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”
←Rate | 01-20-2011 11:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.
←Rate | 01-26-2011 14:19 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.
←Rate | 09-03-2010 04:31 by KOC Comments (0)  




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