Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR's are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
←Rate | 02-04-2012 13:51 by AMS Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.
←Rate | 02-10-2012 15:13 by @clarkysj Comments (2)  

   messageicon Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.
←Rate | 02-19-2012 11:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?
←Rate | 02-26-2012 07:06 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.
←Rate | 06-14-2012 10:11 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops
←Rate | 06-21-2012 10:32 by Zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
←Rate | 06-27-2012 19:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.
←Rate | 03-21-2012 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
←Rate | 03-21-2012 17:20 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.
←Rate | 03-26-2012 13:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.
←Rate | 03-28-2012 13:15 by Nobody Comments (0)  

   messageicon Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
←Rate | 03-31-2012 13:38 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
←Rate | 04-08-2012 04:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"
←Rate | 04-17-2012 21:06 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
←Rate | 11-07-2011 15:02 by JRF121 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
←Rate | 11-09-2011 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
←Rate | 05-26-2012 13:57 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...
←Rate | 01-08-2012 19:39 by @beaubridwell Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can only put the wheels on a wagon so many times, then it's time for a new wagon!
←Rate | 01-20-2012 09:16 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.
←Rate | 01-23-2012 11:10 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

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