Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Please understand that my "May attend" response to your Facebook Event is my polite way of saying “Hell no”
←Rate | 01-20-2012 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:12 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.
←Rate | 02-16-2012 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
←Rate | 02-22-2012 17:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.
←Rate | 12-06-2011 11:16 by Chuck W. Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 10:54 by SuthernFukr Comments (1)  

   messageicon There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
←Rate | 07-06-2012 19:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.
←Rate | 02-24-2011 20:26 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll
←Rate | 04-17-2011 14:07 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"
←Rate | 05-09-2011 21:52 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.
←Rate | 02-10-2010 15:29 by JeremyCakes Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 by Samir Momin Comments (4)  

   messageicon If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
←Rate | 07-30-2009 00:15 by David B Comments (0)  

   messageicon cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...
←Rate | 07-13-2010 15:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.
←Rate | 07-21-2010 21:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

←Rate | 03-20-2010 00:09 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
←Rate | 01-29-2012 10:01 by Dopey 420 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.
←Rate | 02-23-2011 18:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
←Rate | 08-22-2011 11:06 by AC Comments (0)  

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