Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.
←Rate | 01-12-2011 08:29 by Kevin Comments (0)  

   messageicon my anger management class pisses me off..
←Rate | 11-15-2010 21:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."
←Rate | 11-18-2010 18:57 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 16:32 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm
←Rate | 02-03-2010 11:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to get back on your feet, is to miss a car payment.
←Rate | 02-15-2010 08:45 by Mduduzi Gama Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.
←Rate | 03-11-2010 14:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
←Rate | 04-01-2010 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
←Rate | 04-22-2010 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.
←Rate | 05-03-2010 17:26 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon Note to the asshole who parked too close: "Sorry about your car door. I liked it so much I put a ding on it."
←Rate | 05-10-2010 13:57 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...
←Rate | 06-11-2010 01:26 by Señor Frog Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 04:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,
←Rate | 12-19-2010 16:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
←Rate | 01-18-2011 17:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”
←Rate | 01-20-2011 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.
←Rate | 01-26-2011 14:19 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.
←Rate | 09-03-2010 04:31 by KOC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.
←Rate | 10-14-2010 22:56 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.
←Rate | 09-28-2011 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

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