Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 08-04-2010 19:38 by Greg Oreiro Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 00:38 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.
←Rate | 03-31-2010 12:17 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:09 by MBH Comments (3)  

   messageicon Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.
←Rate | 02-22-2010 17:02 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.
←Rate | 11-27-2010 14:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..
←Rate | 05-27-2013 22:53 by BEGO Comments (2)  

   messageicon I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
←Rate | 10-01-2012 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
←Rate | 03-02-2012 13:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
←Rate | 07-20-2011 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.
←Rate | 06-19-2011 19:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"
←Rate | 11-04-2010 23:59 by Jeff W Comments (3)  

   messageicon Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?
←Rate | 01-19-2011 14:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  

   messageicon Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!
←Rate | 02-13-2013 11:09 by Kalleygirl Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.
←Rate | 08-19-2011 00:09 by Seth Comments (0)  

   messageicon That's nice, Titantic-lady. That diamond could have made generations of your family rich. But you go ahead and throw it in the ocean for some dude you showed your tits to 80 years ago.
←Rate | 12-07-2010 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
←Rate | 05-23-2010 22:16 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
←Rate | 03-25-2012 08:45 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only." Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
←Rate | 05-31-2012 22:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saved a bunch of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.
←Rate | 02-08-2012 04:52 by Sky Comments (0)  

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