Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Michael Jackson actually looks like he did in the Thriller video by now...

   I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

   My wife has been worried about her weight...i told her to keep her chins up...

   Question for Flinnie and Suthernf**er...Are either of you two capable of an original thought?

   When someone asks, "Where are you from originally?” replying, "My Mom's V@gina", is apparently not a socially acceptable answer.

   Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.

   feels used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them.

   you`ll notice after reading this notice, that this notice isn`t worth noticing

   World's Shortest Fairy Tale: There once was a man who asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No." and he lived happily ever after.

   Ever see a flower poking up through a crack in the sidewalk? The crack represents the troubles in your life, the flower is the possibilities.

   Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

   Now I'm not going to say Snoop Dog smokes alot of pot, but last night at a concert he farted and the entire first 3 rows got the munchies.

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   An Amber Alert has been issued for a tall, African American 26 yr. old who goes by the name of LeBron James. He keeps disappearing for the 4th quarter of the NBA Final games. If seen, please call his mother, Gloria, or her boyfriend, Delonte.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

   For Halloween this year I'm gonna tie a potato to my junk and go as a dictator!

   Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is.

   single...and you're going to have to be freakin' awesome to change that!!

   MEN: New sexual position: WILD BULL; Put your lady on all 4's, put your chest on her back....a couple minutes into having sex, whisper another woman's name in her ear and then try to stay on for 8 seconds ... Good Luck

   When people ask "do you believe in aliens?", I just say "have you seen Lady Gaga?"