Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Tonight marks the 83rd Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   I think I'm gonna start lifting up my shirt, showing off my gut, and demanding to be called The Fatuation.

   Note to vegetarians:Plants are living things to, they are just easier to catch.

   What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.

   Rocks!!♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫

   saw the best T-shirt EVER today: "Who the hell needs Hooters when you've got BALLS?" Win.

   Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up. DO NOT DO THIS IT IS A SCAM.

   says The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ... But it cheers you up when you let off a nice silent one and walk away........

   can't help but giggle every time the SlapChop guy says " You're going to LOVE my nuts"

   thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.

   so drunk last night, had a blue tooth blinking into my ear and thought the cops were following me

   I just heard that there was shots fired at the U.S. Capitol. That is pretty stupid since they are all on vacation right now !!!!

   Back in the day, Mom gave us 2 dinner choices. What she cooked or jack $hit....

   When I get to heaven, the first question I'm asking God is why does my butt have more hair than my head??

   I just finished running 3 miles on the treadmill!!!! Just kidding...I'm on my third cookie.

   Hey cars with Jesus fish stickers, I know it doesn’t explicitly say so in the Bible but I’m pretty sure God wants you to use your blinkers.

   A recent survey asked some people if there are too many illegal aliens in the US. 23% said yes. 17% said no. the other 60% said, "no habla ingles."

   If you're thinking of hanging out with your ex, jerk off first and see how you feel after that.

   using a lightsaber to chop vegitables.