Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
←Rate | 01-01-2013 12:29 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.
←Rate | 08-28-2013 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...
←Rate | 09-23-2012 14:07 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
←Rate | 02-01-2011 00:41 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 15:34 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
←Rate | 03-02-2012 13:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.
←Rate | 11-21-2010 19:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
←Rate | 07-12-2011 09:29 by WhiplashWally Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)
←Rate | 05-10-2011 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 12:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With great power comes a great electric bill
←Rate | 05-22-2010 03:10 by l33t Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!
←Rate | 10-20-2010 10:48 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?
←Rate | 12-30-2011 11:39 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping.... with a really angry bear near by.
←Rate | 02-06-2015 15:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 19:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.
←Rate | 02-18-2015 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:36 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.
←Rate | 07-26-2015 21:52 by Stormer59101 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.
←Rate | 06-26-2014 18:37 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
←Rate | 09-06-2014 15:57 by Baddie Comments (0)  

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