Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.
←Rate | 04-17-2020 07:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Negative people have a problem for every solution.
←Rate | 04-20-2020 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"
←Rate | 04-24-2020 10:35 by Rickster Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?
←Rate | 05-31-2020 01:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...
←Rate | 06-02-2020 09:29 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
←Rate | 06-05-2020 10:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.
←Rate | 06-19-2020 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 19:45 by DJJackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.
←Rate | 07-17-2020 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.
←Rate | 11-11-2018 04:08 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.
←Rate | 12-11-2018 21:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.
←Rate | 12-17-2018 01:49 by Joker Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
←Rate | 01-27-2019 11:03 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants
←Rate | 01-30-2019 20:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"
←Rate | 02-25-2019 08:07 by @GrantTanaka Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.
←Rate | 05-03-2019 14:15 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.
←Rate | 07-02-2019 10:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 22:49 Comments (0)  




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