Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!
←Rate | 10-04-2011 12:18 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.
←Rate | 04-15-2011 11:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.
←Rate | 05-08-2011 20:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 15:40 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.
←Rate | 02-11-2011 22:39 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.
←Rate | 07-05-2011 15:21 by starchild Comments (1)  

   messageicon Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!
←Rate | 07-07-2011 09:40 by migasjoe Comments (1)  

   messageicon If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 12:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.
←Rate | 07-15-2013 08:40 by Bobo The Chimp Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 12:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.
←Rate | 02-15-2012 22:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
←Rate | 02-18-2012 06:32 by alphabits Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
←Rate | 11-10-2011 16:44 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!
←Rate | 03-13-2012 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
←Rate | 06-04-2012 17:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.
←Rate | 02-12-2012 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.
←Rate | 10-20-2011 10:26 by Pig Benis Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."
←Rate | 01-01-2012 07:48 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.
←Rate | 03-25-2012 08:42 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

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