Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:44 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
←Rate | 10-25-2012 14:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
←Rate | 11-28-2012 04:56 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 01:26 by Baddie Comments (2)  

   messageicon I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!
←Rate | 07-17-2012 20:52 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
←Rate | 12-15-2012 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice
←Rate | 01-08-2013 21:02 by BEGO Comments (1)  

   messageicon The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
←Rate | 03-20-2013 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
←Rate | 03-30-2013 10:50 by minnie haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.
←Rate | 04-09-2013 09:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.
←Rate | 04-21-2013 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.
←Rate | 06-03-2013 23:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
←Rate | 11-16-2012 11:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.
←Rate | 12-05-2012 14:16 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..
←Rate | 12-08-2012 18:52 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....
←Rate | 09-14-2012 23:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other tonight.
←Rate | 10-17-2012 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.
←Rate | 08-28-2012 14:37 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?
←Rate | 12-08-2011 20:42 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
←Rate | 12-10-2011 06:02 by flinnie Comments (0)  

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