Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.
←Rate | 08-31-2012 03:57 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends
←Rate | 09-08-2012 07:54 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.
←Rate | 09-18-2012 04:42 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.
←Rate | 09-19-2012 21:59 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...
←Rate | 09-25-2012 12:06 by JaxWylde Comments (0)  

   messageicon when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?
←Rate | 10-04-2012 04:30 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
←Rate | 10-19-2012 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...
←Rate | 09-03-2012 12:09 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
←Rate | 10-06-2012 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
←Rate | 10-09-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.
←Rate | 12-27-2012 08:17 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.
←Rate | 02-03-2013 13:06 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.
←Rate | 11-26-2012 21:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
←Rate | 05-02-2013 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.
←Rate | 05-06-2013 14:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?
←Rate | 05-08-2013 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.
←Rate | 06-15-2013 10:33 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.
←Rate | 06-21-2013 09:46 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
←Rate | 07-06-2013 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”
←Rate | 08-03-2013 01:16 by Daheavy1 Comments (3)  

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