Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 131 of 5845

   messageicon I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.
←Rate | 09-17-2014 20:45 by Daheavy1 Comments (5)  

   messageicon Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
←Rate | 12-02-2013 07:03 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon 20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area
←Rate | 12-31-2013 13:19 by smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
←Rate | 09-24-2015 06:51 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult
←Rate | 03-15-2010 06:34 by johnny5 Comments (0)  

   messageicon TEIAM - problem solved
←Rate | 11-06-2009 17:38 by Jenna Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
←Rate | 04-23-2010 13:30 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night
←Rate | 06-28-2010 21:16 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"
←Rate | 08-09-2010 17:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
←Rate | 12-29-2010 15:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
←Rate | 01-20-2011 17:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do people say 'grow some balls'? Balls are weak & sensitive, If you wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding
←Rate | 07-29-2011 16:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
←Rate | 09-28-2009 22:29 by bigboyindiego Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
←Rate | 04-16-2012 12:33 by Gary Comments (0)  

   messageicon Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
←Rate | 06-20-2011 21:53 by Danny Comments (0)  

   messageicon Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....
←Rate | 03-23-2010 13:20 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..
←Rate | 10-02-2010 18:51 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”
←Rate | 05-06-2012 04:25 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 16:27 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,
←Rate | 08-04-2011 04:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left