Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.
←Rate | 10-01-2012 11:08 by bebee Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 12:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
←Rate | 12-24-2012 15:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.
←Rate | 02-01-2010 11:33 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected
←Rate | 01-20-2011 19:33 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.
←Rate | 09-15-2010 19:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
←Rate | 04-20-2009 23:56 by Vybe Comments (0)  

   messageicon almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing
←Rate | 11-14-2009 14:22 by J.P C Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.
←Rate | 04-21-2010 20:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.
←Rate | 06-13-2010 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours
←Rate | 12-02-2009 16:35 by raeanne Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook: the only book teens read these days.
←Rate | 01-22-2010 14:50 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon My annoying neighbors challenged me to a water fight, so i'm posting this status while waiting for the kettle to boil..
←Rate | 01-25-2010 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....
←Rate | 03-21-2010 14:28 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"
←Rate | 01-20-2011 17:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)  

   messageicon Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.
←Rate | 10-14-2013 20:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.
←Rate | 02-19-2015 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.
←Rate | 12-20-2013 14:12 by Kal Comments (0)  

   messageicon "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."
←Rate | 03-06-2011 10:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"
←Rate | 03-28-2011 20:25 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

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