Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.

   Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP