Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
←Rate | 11-29-2012 21:50 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game
←Rate | 09-06-2012 10:19 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
←Rate | 09-29-2012 07:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.
←Rate | 10-02-2012 03:38 by 2FAST4U Comments (0)  

   messageicon When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
←Rate | 10-10-2012 22:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing better than waking up to morning sex, unless you wake up in prison.
←Rate | 09-21-2011 15:05 by Tman294 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!
←Rate | 09-30-2011 08:53 by Memz Comments (1)  

   messageicon That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.
←Rate | 10-09-2011 05:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.
←Rate | 10-13-2011 13:19 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon hoorah to navy seal team 6 for taking out public enemy #1. any chance we can send these guys after whoever is setting the gas prices?
←Rate | 05-03-2011 07:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.
←Rate | 06-07-2011 20:24 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
←Rate | 06-15-2011 07:03 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon do me a favor if someone tells you they don't like me , tell them I don't like them either.
←Rate | 06-26-2011 13:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people make me understand why monkeys throw their poo.
←Rate | 07-21-2011 11:07 by CJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?
←Rate | 02-02-2011 10:48 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )
←Rate | 02-10-2011 00:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting.
←Rate | 09-05-2011 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like jar of jalapenos- what you do TODAY can burn your ass TOMORROW!
←Rate | 03-13-2011 09:45 by Jen Briggs Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end
←Rate | 03-23-2010 14:58 by ANGELA Comments (1)  

   messageicon You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.
←Rate | 03-23-2010 15:26 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

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