Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?
←Rate | 05-03-2011 07:40 by man_9 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.
←Rate | 02-08-2011 11:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
←Rate | 08-10-2011 13:06 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.
←Rate | 09-18-2011 02:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
←Rate | 04-06-2011 23:14 by Danny Comments (0)  

   messageicon That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:51 by Mudda Comments (0)  

   messageicon When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.
←Rate | 05-27-2011 23:55 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.
←Rate | 02-06-2012 15:59 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
←Rate | 05-07-2012 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
←Rate | 09-18-2012 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry
←Rate | 08-23-2012 01:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies
←Rate | 02-24-2013 23:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....
←Rate | 02-20-2014 17:00 by :D Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
←Rate | 08-07-2015 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
←Rate | 10-24-2013 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my anger management class pisses me off..
←Rate | 11-15-2010 21:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."
←Rate | 11-18-2010 18:57 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 15:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 Comments (4)  

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