Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   "My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.

   People on House Hunters are always saying that they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit. Actually I need a moat filled with gators.

   I just got a Congratulations message from facebook today, they said my block list has now exceeded my friends list...I wonder what I win lol

   "Welcome to Motel 6, we hope you enjoy your stay, but if not, well, that's okay, too."