Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.

   I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.

   If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

   Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.