Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

   Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

   According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos.

   I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.

   "Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer

   Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes...

   A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   Due to the election I may start a moving co.

   Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.