Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!
←Rate | 07-17-2015 10:01 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.
←Rate | 05-22-2011 15:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 13:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas stations need to have a happy hour..
←Rate | 03-15-2011 11:28 by Wolf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listen seatbelt...I need you in an emergency situation, not when I reach for something in the cupholder.
←Rate | 09-16-2011 10:38 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.
←Rate | 07-13-2011 21:10 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.
←Rate | 04-19-2011 22:07 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.
←Rate | 05-02-2011 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.
←Rate | 02-28-2011 11:51 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.
←Rate | 02-28-2012 13:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon cannot stress enough that grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse
←Rate | 05-16-2010 23:33 Comments (7)  

   messageicon my scientific side says "i'll believe it when I see it". my spiritual side says "i'll see it when I believe it". my drunken side says "what are we looking at?"
←Rate | 05-04-2010 22:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."
←Rate | 04-16-2011 15:58 by Gman Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
←Rate | 03-15-2011 04:09 by RoN Comments (0)  

   messageicon My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
←Rate | 05-26-2011 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
←Rate | 02-14-2011 12:49 by abbybaby34 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.
←Rate | 04-27-2011 13:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
←Rate | 03-05-2011 21:34 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
←Rate | 08-01-2011 20:24 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
←Rate | 12-09-2011 13:13 by @HiYourJon Comments (0)  

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