Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 06:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
←Rate | 10-12-2017 06:02 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
←Rate | 07-20-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020
←Rate | 07-24-2020 18:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 09:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
←Rate | 09-28-2020 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon May your coffee kick in before reality does.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
←Rate | 10-01-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians
←Rate | 10-12-2020 16:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My back has gone out more than I have this year.
←Rate | 10-21-2020 06:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's important to look closely at all the campaign signs. Last election I voted for a real estate agent.
←Rate | 10-23-2020 18:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
←Rate | 11-10-2020 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.
←Rate | 12-20-2020 00:42 by @svaldez187 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”
←Rate | 01-26-2021 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
←Rate | 02-18-2021 10:45 Comments (0)  




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