Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
←Rate | 06-23-2014 14:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.
←Rate | 08-20-2014 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.
←Rate | 10-12-2014 18:18 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?
←Rate | 11-24-2014 12:22 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I try to avoid nice people so they can stay that way.
←Rate | 10-20-2012 12:40 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my ass, I can't.
←Rate | 01-15-2013 12:26 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...
←Rate | 07-15-2012 10:17 by Steve OH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: "WOW I cant believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!"...
←Rate | 08-03-2012 14:55 by Vitamin N Comments (0)  

   messageicon Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?
←Rate | 08-03-2012 21:48 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
←Rate | 08-08-2012 15:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.
←Rate | 07-01-2013 00:14 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have mixed drinks about feelings...
←Rate | 07-27-2013 15:59 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.
←Rate | 11-21-2012 12:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn
←Rate | 11-30-2012 18:25 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died....hmmmmm ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒Fidel Castro ✔Hugo Chavez - Not good timesr for my Fantasy Dictator League...
←Rate | 03-05-2013 20:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dennis rodman is the Jane Fonda of this generation
←Rate | 03-15-2013 20:36 by Smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!
←Rate | 04-03-2013 16:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's send Kim Kardashian to N. Korea!!
←Rate | 04-07-2013 21:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
←Rate | 05-17-2013 14:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain
←Rate | 07-28-2011 16:28 Comments (0)  

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