Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
←Rate | 12-09-2010 21:41 by momzadork Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
←Rate | 12-08-2011 05:32 by The piper Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."
←Rate | 05-30-2011 01:14 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..
←Rate | 07-25-2011 23:57 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.
←Rate | 04-15-2011 22:11 by Gman Comments (0)  

   messageicon My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.
←Rate | 03-11-2011 13:59 by abbybaby34 Comments (1)  

   messageicon It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
←Rate | 05-24-2011 09:38 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.
←Rate | 06-13-2011 15:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
←Rate | 08-19-2012 10:10 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.
←Rate | 01-15-2013 22:04 by Space Monkey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!
←Rate | 03-26-2010 16:11 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign
←Rate | 06-27-2012 12:45 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues
←Rate | 01-13-2012 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
←Rate | 11-04-2011 09:16 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.
←Rate | 04-15-2012 22:23 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 06:28 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.
←Rate | 04-01-2012 16:57 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
←Rate | 04-17-2012 07:23 by Gary Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.
←Rate | 11-15-2011 13:36 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

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