Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".
←Rate | 03-03-2017 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon United, we put the hospital in hospitality.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate | 04-25-2017 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
←Rate | 04-29-2017 07:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.
←Rate | 06-03-2018 23:42 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.
←Rate | 08-30-2018 16:54 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon New Years Resolution: Date more models. Revised: Date more. Revised: Get a date. Revised: stop crying while masturbating.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
←Rate | 09-28-2009 22:29 by bigboyindiego Comments (0)  

←Rate | 03-23-2010 15:22 by Samir Momin Comments (1)  

   messageicon Happy 35th, Atari 2600
←Rate | 10-14-2012 20:15 by Wulfie69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...
←Rate | 03-10-2010 14:33 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
←Rate | 05-10-2011 00:18 by zd Comments (0)  

   messageicon That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.
←Rate | 10-24-2010 15:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.
←Rate | 08-28-2010 22:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
←Rate | 03-27-2010 05:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!
←Rate | 07-01-2011 15:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
←Rate | 08-02-2011 23:02 Comments (0)  

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