Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.
←Rate | 02-13-2014 11:39 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.
←Rate | 12-15-2011 09:23 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers
←Rate | 01-04-2012 13:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
←Rate | 01-17-2012 11:41 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
←Rate | 02-20-2012 21:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight
←Rate | 06-18-2012 21:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???
←Rate | 10-17-2011 12:52 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
←Rate | 11-01-2011 23:04 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.
←Rate | 11-04-2011 19:40 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.
←Rate | 11-09-2011 01:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..
←Rate | 12-30-2011 08:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
←Rate | 11-15-2011 12:00 by Muzammil Comments (0)  

   messageicon The "Reply All" button should be password protected.
←Rate | 11-20-2011 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.
←Rate | 12-06-2011 14:49 by Reuben Comments (0)  

   messageicon hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married
←Rate | 12-07-2011 08:06 by Griff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
←Rate | 04-19-2012 21:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
←Rate | 06-26-2012 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!
←Rate | 07-04-2012 15:59 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.
←Rate | 02-25-2012 21:50 Comments (0)  

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