Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 129 of 5657

   messageicon The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 22:52 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
←Rate | 01-21-2012 09:47 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
←Rate | 01-23-2012 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.
←Rate | 01-25-2012 16:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home
←Rate | 04-19-2012 20:58 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll act my age when I'm 69.
←Rate | 05-07-2012 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.
←Rate | 12-27-2012 08:17 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.
←Rate | 02-03-2013 13:06 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...
←Rate | 09-03-2012 12:09 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.
←Rate | 09-09-2012 14:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
←Rate | 10-06-2012 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
←Rate | 10-09-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.
←Rate | 08-28-2012 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.
←Rate | 02-18-2013 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pig: (noun) 1. Animal used for converting plants into bacon.
←Rate | 03-07-2013 19:50 by Blue Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.
←Rate | 03-12-2013 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
←Rate | 07-06-2013 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.
←Rate | 08-19-2013 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The media is a weapon of mass destruction....
←Rate | 09-03-2013 15:49 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.
←Rate | 11-26-2012 21:37 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left