Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.
←Rate | 04-21-2013 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.
←Rate | 06-03-2013 23:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.
←Rate | 08-28-2012 14:37 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.
←Rate | 03-03-2010 07:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...
←Rate | 04-01-2010 13:11 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"
←Rate | 01-03-2011 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.
←Rate | 01-26-2011 21:47 by Dopey420 Comments (0)  

   messageicon was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.
←Rate | 04-09-2010 04:59 by @deswong77 Comments (0)  

   messageicon -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !
←Rate | 05-05-2010 19:14 by Y.P Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.
←Rate | 06-05-2010 20:05 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 13:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
←Rate | 10-19-2010 16:55 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.
←Rate | 11-20-2010 09:34 by The Chuckster Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
←Rate | 12-06-2010 20:29 by Marshall the Great Comments (4)  

   messageicon making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions
←Rate | 12-08-2010 19:48 by smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.
←Rate | 07-23-2010 23:51 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?
←Rate | 07-27-2010 21:19 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  

   messageicon ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!
←Rate | 08-04-2010 12:32 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.
←Rate | 08-12-2010 22:14 by Taj Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.
←Rate | 08-19-2010 16:44 Comments (0)  

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