Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.
←Rate | 10-02-2012 05:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My life coach just told me to fake an injury
←Rate | 11-17-2012 11:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.
←Rate | 07-30-2010 15:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...
←Rate | 04-30-2010 09:51 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.
←Rate | 09-30-2009 23:01 by Brantly Comments (0)  

   messageicon Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.
←Rate | 09-15-2010 21:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
←Rate | 06-26-2014 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
←Rate | 11-16-2013 19:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
←Rate | 11-15-2012 14:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
←Rate | 01-07-2013 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year
←Rate | 11-23-2011 13:29 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
←Rate | 07-11-2011 18:48 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...
←Rate | 04-01-2013 15:06 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.
←Rate | 04-08-2013 00:56 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
←Rate | 11-16-2012 11:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
←Rate | 06-11-2013 06:05 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, or vacuum cleaner.
←Rate | 11-01-2009 18:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..
←Rate | 03-17-2010 08:31 by Yaj Comments (2)  

   messageicon Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!
←Rate | 02-08-2011 10:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
←Rate | 04-26-2011 20:46 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

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