Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.
←Rate | 08-22-2011 16:22 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'
←Rate | 07-22-2012 11:20 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
←Rate | 11-30-2012 04:58 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"
←Rate | 02-05-2010 22:07 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...
←Rate | 10-10-2009 21:16 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...
←Rate | 09-06-2011 16:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"
←Rate | 03-10-2010 15:16 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 by Samir Momin Comments (4)  

   messageicon The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."
←Rate | 03-31-2010 12:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
←Rate | 07-30-2009 00:15 by David B Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”
←Rate | 05-06-2012 04:25 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year!
←Rate | 02-15-2012 22:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kim Kardashian on Twitter: "Casey Anthony not guilty? I am speechless!" Someone replied: "So was Nicole Brown's family when your dad got OJ off".
←Rate | 07-05-2011 23:20 by Jeff W Comments (0)  

   messageicon I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.
←Rate | 05-03-2011 11:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are means your vagina is!!!
←Rate | 04-09-2011 04:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep
←Rate | 08-09-2012 18:24 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
←Rate | 11-18-2009 00:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid
←Rate | 04-05-2010 14:48 by Yaj Comments (2)  

   messageicon "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"
←Rate | 05-31-2010 16:58 by Laurent Comments (0)  

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