Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.
←Rate | 06-21-2013 09:46 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...
←Rate | 09-03-2012 12:09 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.
←Rate | 09-09-2012 14:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
←Rate | 10-06-2012 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
←Rate | 10-09-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure what the big deal is with Danica Patrick. Like we have never seen a woman on the pole before.
←Rate | 02-18-2013 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pig: (noun) 1. Animal used for converting plants into bacon.
←Rate | 03-07-2013 19:50 by Blue Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.
←Rate | 03-12-2013 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.
←Rate | 08-28-2012 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.
←Rate | 11-26-2012 21:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
←Rate | 07-06-2013 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.
←Rate | 08-19-2013 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The media is a weapon of mass destruction....
←Rate | 09-03-2013 15:49 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.
←Rate | 12-11-2016 19:24 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?
←Rate | 12-21-2016 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 10:01 Comments (2)  

   messageicon You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
←Rate | 05-06-2017 13:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The election has been over nearly 2 weeks and this krap is still going on. Get back to the funny!
←Rate | 11-21-2016 07:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeti has a beer coozie that will keep a beer cold for over an hour. I don't think they understand how beer drinking works.
←Rate | 07-06-2016 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's Official: Both Hillary and Donald are now more unpopular than wearing Crocs with socks.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:11 Comments (0)  

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