Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 129 of 5683

   messageicon "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."
←Rate | 02-28-2012 23:30 by @DonSicks Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 14:38 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 
←Rate | 07-08-2012 13:10 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it....That's Hollywood
←Rate | 04-20-2012 22:05 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
←Rate | 05-01-2012 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.
←Rate | 01-10-2012 13:34 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...
←Rate | 01-24-2012 21:22 by gee Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
←Rate | 11-17-2011 22:36 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon NEW FACEBOOK GAME: Message me your bank account or credit card number & I will post which bill I paid with it, as my status.
←Rate | 11-18-2011 12:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.
←Rate | 03-27-2012 21:55 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?
←Rate | 03-31-2012 13:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.
←Rate | 04-17-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??
←Rate | 01-24-2014 18:00 by gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
←Rate | 09-13-2013 13:17 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
←Rate | 11-05-2013 13:02 by snotty Comments (2)  

   messageicon I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
←Rate | 11-19-2013 18:55 by JMc Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:31 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Friendzoned“ should be a relationship status on Facebook.
←Rate | 03-11-2014 03:11 by Udit Comments (0)  

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