Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   Marriage: I gave sex up for this?

   At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   What time does that rioting and looting reality show start tonight?

   "KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....

   Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?

   Some 28,000 Terrorist Attacks Worldwide since 9/11 And somehow it's all because we don't have enough gun control in the US!

   The Pope is really setting a high bar for giving something up for Lent.

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sandwiches.

   The lady in front of me at Walmart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her you should try putting that on your v@gina

   My signature move is learning the hard way.

   Kim Kardashian looks like a pregnant drag queen.

   Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them

   Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 kph over the limit anyways. And those stupid ricer flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.