Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Putting kids toys together* WIFE: Stick it in the other hole. ME: Why didn't you tell me that 5 years ago?

   Just got mad at work and smashed my face into my keyboard. Looks like I wrote a new Kanye West song.

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.

   Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.

   The one thing about this group of presidential candidates that we can all agree on is that none of them are fuckable.

   Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

   Wedding rings are bad for your circulation.

   I'm not pointing out your flaws, I'm pointing out my traits that are better than yours.

   Seems to me if you really want to meet a celebrity your best shot is by going to rehab.

   as useless as a windshield wiper on a submarine.

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   As if the TSA couldn't get any creepier, today they announced they're changing their name to Uncle TSA.

   Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

   I'm a good girl, I am. I just never said what I am good at.

   When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out

   I've found the perfect weight-loss system. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds!

   may not be a millionaire yet but I figure what I have in my pocket combined with 3 vehicles full of gas puts me pretty damned close...

   Need a new hobby. Think I'm gonna learn photosynthesis.

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.