Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   My friends over there bet me that I wouldn't talk to the most beautiful woman in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"

   cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...

   don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   "I have to cut down on my friends so I may have to delete some of you". you mean I don't have to read your 'ugh its Monday' or 'blah blah hump day' or 'tgif' posts anymore? Well, let me make a preemptive strike on that.

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   Why is it that people who need to borrow money can find you like Google Maps, but when the time comes to pay you back they disappear like Osama Bin Laden

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   Getting snubbed by the left turn arrow at an intersection after waiting your turn is annoying. Getting skipped twice? I will murder you, light! But a third time?! Clearly a valid legal defense for blowing right through that mother f*cker.

   I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.

   I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   I don't really care where you put it, as long as you don't make me hold it!!!

   put your big girl panties on... and DEAL WITH IT!

   It's true we don't know what we've got until its gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   the awkward moment when an emo orders a happy meal at mcdonalds