Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2
←Rate | 09-20-2019 15:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?
←Rate | 09-25-2019 04:09 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 15:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
←Rate | 10-06-2019 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
←Rate | 12-20-2019 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.
←Rate | 05-31-2017 09:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.
←Rate | 07-26-2017 21:19 by BigToe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.
←Rate | 08-16-2017 07:36 Comments (0)  

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