Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.
←Rate | 02-29-2012 11:06 by @clarkysj Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.
←Rate | 12-14-2010 21:25 by Nunthewizr Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
←Rate | 01-21-2011 17:49 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  

   messageicon ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
←Rate | 06-15-2010 20:46 by Troy Comments (0)  

   messageicon ~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to piss off your friends.
←Rate | 02-15-2010 13:54 by bigedusw Comments (0)  

   messageicon hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
←Rate | 07-16-2009 00:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.
←Rate | 09-07-2010 20:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.
←Rate | 09-20-2009 20:20 by LB Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks
←Rate | 12-23-2010 05:17 Comments (4)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure the asshole that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...
←Rate | 01-05-2011 08:17 by Derek Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.
←Rate | 01-19-2012 03:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
←Rate | 04-12-2012 16:31 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink
←Rate | 10-19-2015 17:47 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (1)  

   messageicon Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.
←Rate | 06-17-2011 18:15 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you
←Rate | 09-02-2011 04:17 by flinnie Comments (3)  

   messageicon better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.
←Rate | 05-02-2011 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.
←Rate | 08-18-2010 12:40 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do you say when an atheist sneezes...?
←Rate | 03-17-2010 12:01 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon dont you hate it when your busy everyone texts you but when your not, no one does....its like they know...
←Rate | 04-07-2010 11:39 by Samir Momin Comments (1)  

   messageicon All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.
←Rate | 09-26-2010 20:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

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