Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.
←Rate | 07-14-2011 18:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen
←Rate | 04-23-2011 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.
←Rate | 09-17-2013 02:28 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally used to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
←Rate | 04-18-2012 21:14 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
←Rate | 12-05-2011 08:59 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Couples don't break up anymore, one person just acts like an asshole till the other person can't take it anymore.
←Rate | 07-29-2013 20:19 by @remaindersend Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!
←Rate | 03-15-2011 06:28 by Bill Comments (0)  

   messageicon In Store Special - "You're My One and Only" Valentine's Day cards... 4 for $5...
←Rate | 02-04-2011 03:24 by JaxWylde Comments (0)  

   messageicon It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion
←Rate | 03-07-2012 22:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.
←Rate | 02-17-2012 21:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or the Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last st@tus update, in which I talk about having a girlfriend.
←Rate | 11-28-2011 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
←Rate | 01-20-2014 20:26 by flipphonescott Comments (1)  

   messageicon It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter
←Rate | 08-07-2011 02:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
←Rate | 04-20-2011 21:40 by Mahdi H Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
←Rate | 04-13-2014 16:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
←Rate | 01-22-2015 09:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.
←Rate | 10-31-2013 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?
←Rate | 06-18-2012 15:06 by Linda Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.
←Rate | 02-06-2012 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 07:33 by flinnie Comments (0)  

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