Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Flat screens are nice and all,but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
←Rate | 11-18-2013 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!
←Rate | 11-19-2013 20:07 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.
←Rate | 11-27-2013 12:03 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.
←Rate | 06-27-2014 14:15 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.
←Rate | 06-30-2014 01:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
←Rate | 07-11-2014 05:17 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
←Rate | 07-28-2014 09:49 by smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
←Rate | 08-30-2014 11:47 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.
←Rate | 09-02-2014 13:35 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....
←Rate | 11-21-2014 14:16 by Mark M Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
←Rate | 01-20-2016 05:59 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
←Rate | 01-28-2016 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...
←Rate | 03-10-2016 09:19 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
←Rate | 04-28-2016 16:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.
←Rate | 05-06-2016 05:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..
←Rate | 12-28-2013 11:01 by EF Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.
←Rate | 01-23-2014 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
←Rate | 06-23-2015 11:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 18:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  

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