Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
←Rate | 02-20-2014 13:37 by Flame Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
←Rate | 05-23-2014 05:01 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.
←Rate | 07-07-2009 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon someone told me I am immature and need to grow guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now
←Rate | 08-19-2010 11:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering
←Rate | 12-27-2011 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......
←Rate | 01-08-2011 18:10 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days
←Rate | 07-14-2011 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 19:53 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon No matter how many times I watch Titanic I'm 100% sure that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.
←Rate | 03-29-2010 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.
←Rate | 03-22-2010 15:20 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!
←Rate | 06-20-2010 15:40 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Honestly, I love every single some of you.
←Rate | 09-11-2010 09:01 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
←Rate | 12-09-2010 21:41 by momzadork Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."
←Rate | 05-30-2011 01:14 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..
←Rate | 07-25-2011 23:57 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
←Rate | 12-08-2011 05:32 by The piper Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign
←Rate | 06-27-2012 12:45 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues
←Rate | 01-13-2012 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
←Rate | 11-04-2011 09:16 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.
←Rate | 04-15-2012 22:23 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

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