Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3

   Whelp, it looks like another day we're not going to cure the coronavirus with our Facebook posts.