Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.
←Rate | 10-06-2010 12:09 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....
←Rate | 11-05-2010 00:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I won a trip to China now am stuck here waiting to win a trip back home
←Rate | 11-30-2010 01:59 by kibobi Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.
←Rate | 11-30-2010 07:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.
←Rate | 03-18-2014 13:47 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.
←Rate | 04-04-2014 23:46 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.
←Rate | 04-23-2014 01:05 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking
←Rate | 04-30-2014 06:49 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
←Rate | 05-24-2014 12:31 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?
←Rate | 12-22-2014 10:15 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:31 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
←Rate | 04-03-2015 20:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.
←Rate | 04-11-2015 22:20 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
←Rate | 05-21-2015 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.
←Rate | 05-23-2015 20:42 by Uncle Bubba Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
←Rate | 06-23-2015 11:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 18:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
←Rate | 07-15-2015 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.
←Rate | 07-22-2015 10:48 Comments (0)  

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