Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Survival rule #1: You go first.
←Rate | 05-14-2011 13:32 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
←Rate | 07-13-2011 16:16 by SuthernFukr Comments (2)  

   messageicon I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
←Rate | 09-15-2011 15:37 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.
←Rate | 10-13-2011 10:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
←Rate | 05-24-2011 16:00 by RUDEDOG Comments (0)  

   messageicon The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
←Rate | 05-29-2011 04:55 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
←Rate | 05-17-2011 16:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..
←Rate | 11-21-2011 15:13 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  

   messageicon During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!
←Rate | 12-25-2011 01:03 by Nate004 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat
←Rate | 01-19-2012 10:44 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"
←Rate | 03-19-2013 08:23 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?
←Rate | 08-08-2012 13:25 Comments (3)  

   messageicon When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
←Rate | 04-26-2013 06:13 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”
←Rate | 04-26-2013 21:26 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
←Rate | 05-11-2013 09:45 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
←Rate | 06-16-2013 21:55 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.
←Rate | 09-14-2012 08:49 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
←Rate | 09-26-2012 10:23 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
←Rate | 10-15-2012 20:57 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
←Rate | 01-20-2011 09:54 by Will Comments (0)  

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