Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 126 of 5763

   messageicon A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....
←Rate | 01-12-2013 00:31 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?
←Rate | 02-26-2013 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:44 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
←Rate | 10-25-2012 14:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
←Rate | 11-28-2012 04:56 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 01:26 by Baddie Comments (2)  

   messageicon I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!
←Rate | 07-17-2012 20:52 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
←Rate | 12-15-2012 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 20:29 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
←Rate | 05-07-2014 18:02 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you
←Rate | 12-18-2010 10:24 by Esoteric Comments (0)  

   messageicon just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!
←Rate | 12-20-2010 07:47 by Elbow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.
←Rate | 09-12-2010 13:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're an asshole.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 14:40 by Aaron Comments (18)  

   messageicon : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....
←Rate | 10-17-2010 15:22 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....
←Rate | 04-13-2010 18:24 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them
←Rate | 08-23-2010 14:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....
←Rate | 03-16-2010 13:46 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.
←Rate | 06-11-2011 07:56 by BRian Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
←Rate | 09-12-2011 11:02 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

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