Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
←Rate | 09-28-2009 22:29 by bigboyindiego Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
←Rate | 04-16-2012 12:33 by Gary Comments (0)  

   messageicon Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....
←Rate | 03-23-2010 13:20 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..
←Rate | 10-02-2010 18:51 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
←Rate | 06-20-2011 21:53 by Danny Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 16:27 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,
←Rate | 08-04-2011 04:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
←Rate | 04-02-2011 18:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.
←Rate | 09-25-2012 21:59 by Daniel Comments (0)  

   messageicon Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.
←Rate | 07-08-2011 14:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
←Rate | 11-11-2010 20:22 by boomtastic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since the hottest chicks always seem to date the biggest assholes I wonder if, "come here, bit@h" would be an effective pick-up line.
←Rate | 04-05-2010 11:34 by Randizzle Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!
←Rate | 02-04-2010 10:19 by JeremyCakes Comments (0)  

   messageicon Admit it....You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble...
←Rate | 11-15-2011 00:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....
←Rate | 11-19-2011 13:14 by Dave Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
←Rate | 11-27-2011 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Live today like it's your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
←Rate | 03-21-2012 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...
←Rate | 12-27-2011 20:50 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.
←Rate | 12-30-2012 15:28 by Ortega Comments (0)  

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