Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
←Rate | 09-24-2015 06:51 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:47 by BEGO Comments (1)  

   messageicon I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
←Rate | 05-29-2014 04:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.
←Rate | 09-26-2013 15:32 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
←Rate | 10-25-2013 15:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
←Rate | 06-26-2012 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!
←Rate | 07-04-2012 15:59 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
←Rate | 04-19-2012 21:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..
←Rate | 12-30-2011 08:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
←Rate | 11-15-2011 12:00 by Muzammil Comments (0)  

   messageicon The "Reply All" button should be password protected.
←Rate | 11-20-2011 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.
←Rate | 12-06-2011 14:49 by Reuben Comments (0)  

   messageicon hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married
←Rate | 12-07-2011 08:06 by Griff Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.
←Rate | 02-25-2012 21:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.
←Rate | 04-25-2013 21:11 by Maureen Comments (0)  

   messageicon I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
←Rate | 05-05-2013 12:32 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 15:25 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.
←Rate | 06-29-2013 13:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 19:28 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

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