Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
←Rate | 06-23-2014 14:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.
←Rate | 08-20-2014 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.
←Rate | 10-12-2014 18:18 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?
←Rate | 11-24-2014 12:22 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain
←Rate | 07-28-2011 16:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon happy and I knew it and then I clapped my hand, everyone thought I was weirdo :/
←Rate | 10-03-2011 10:26 by Muzammil Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.
←Rate | 10-10-2011 19:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tomorrow is the end? Then I call "SHOTGUN"!!
←Rate | 05-20-2011 23:17 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
←Rate | 06-13-2011 14:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Attracting men is just like fishing. You just have to wiggle the bait.
←Rate | 01-27-2011 23:59 by @truebeachbabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would like to remind all my friends who also spent Valentine's day alone, St. Patricks day is only a month away... Start drinking!
←Rate | 02-15-2011 16:16 by Molly Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dont you just hate it when someone asks you to guess their age, and then you minus off 5 years of what you really think, hoping its enough?
←Rate | 02-18-2011 21:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.
←Rate | 02-22-2011 19:42 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I offend people in a nice way
←Rate | 04-12-2011 17:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 22:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.
←Rate | 05-18-2011 11:37 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ok, so it's 2012. Shouldn't we be living like the Jetsons by now?
←Rate | 01-01-2012 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My sex life is unbelievable. Whenever I tell people I have a sex life, they don't believe me.
←Rate | 01-02-2012 10:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation
←Rate | 11-10-2011 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...
←Rate | 02-19-2012 03:26 by totalpackage Comments (0)  

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