Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
←Rate | 03-29-2014 09:08 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
←Rate | 10-19-2013 22:36 by griff Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
←Rate | 11-13-2012 05:05 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...
←Rate | 07-18-2013 22:24 by William Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.
←Rate | 08-03-2013 02:28 by StonerDudee Comments (1)  

   messageicon I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."
←Rate | 03-03-2013 00:46 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!
←Rate | 02-03-2013 12:31 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
←Rate | 02-04-2013 14:52 by JEBI Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.
←Rate | 04-19-2013 20:51 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...
←Rate | 05-16-2010 12:30 by 82 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.
←Rate | 05-26-2010 00:51 by RON \"\" Comments (0)  

   messageicon as Vice-President of Toyota I would like to say please dial 1800-our-bad.
←Rate | 02-04-2010 18:02 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
←Rate | 02-16-2010 19:55 by The FRED Comments (1)  

   messageicon wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 Comments (4)  

   messageicon this is just a temporary status...until I think of something better
←Rate | 01-02-2012 22:12 by mtravica Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend
←Rate | 01-15-2012 17:11 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.
←Rate | 01-20-2012 22:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"
←Rate | 04-29-2012 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
←Rate | 05-01-2012 09:05 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

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