Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!
←Rate | 03-08-2017 12:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.
←Rate | 11-11-2018 03:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
←Rate | 11-20-2018 18:06 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?
←Rate | 12-10-2018 01:01 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.
←Rate | 12-27-2018 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.
←Rate | 12-29-2018 00:59 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon [watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.
←Rate | 02-10-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it
←Rate | 02-16-2019 01:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.
←Rate | 02-20-2019 12:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...
←Rate | 05-05-2019 10:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
←Rate | 08-14-2019 05:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 18:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
←Rate | 08-15-2019 05:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
←Rate | 08-24-2019 13:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
←Rate | 08-27-2019 04:21 Comments (0)  

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