Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
←Rate | 01-28-2012 17:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 12:47 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.
←Rate | 05-10-2011 16:02 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!
←Rate | 02-04-2010 15:44 by Vitamin N Comments (2)  

   messageicon it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.
←Rate | 05-15-2010 23:01 by shoesan Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!
←Rate | 12-09-2010 21:13 by @Jimboleem Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 10:01 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
←Rate | 02-09-2015 08:08 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
←Rate | 04-17-2014 08:50 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
←Rate | 04-26-2014 09:37 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
←Rate | 05-24-2014 12:31 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 07:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 18:31 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.
←Rate | 07-22-2015 10:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.
←Rate | 01-30-2014 17:14 by Nipper Comments (2)  

   messageicon I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
←Rate | 10-30-2011 09:13 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 22:52 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604
←Rate | 12-28-2012 16:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
←Rate | 12-16-2012 20:19 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

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