Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.

   Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.