Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?
←Rate | 08-11-2011 15:01 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.
←Rate | 08-03-2011 14:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?
←Rate | 04-19-2011 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"
←Rate | 09-07-2011 08:48 by Mick F Comments (1)  

   messageicon In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
←Rate | 07-21-2013 17:14 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
←Rate | 12-05-2012 14:10 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
←Rate | 09-05-2012 16:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.
←Rate | 04-28-2010 13:33 by BP Comments (0)  

   messageicon People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
←Rate | 07-21-2010 16:21 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.
←Rate | 12-19-2010 14:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....
←Rate | 03-22-2010 18:27 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..
←Rate | 09-08-2010 22:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
←Rate | 02-28-2012 10:10 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
←Rate | 12-29-2011 12:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood
←Rate | 01-25-2012 19:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.
←Rate | 04-23-2012 23:10 by SKoop Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...
←Rate | 04-30-2012 20:32 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
←Rate | 02-20-2014 13:37 by Flame Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
←Rate | 05-23-2014 05:01 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.
←Rate | 07-07-2009 12:46 Comments (0)  

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