Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.
←Rate | 02-06-2013 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ
←Rate | 09-10-2012 02:29 by xi0n Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.
←Rate | 09-22-2012 10:48 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?
←Rate | 09-26-2012 14:10 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...
←Rate | 10-03-2012 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"
←Rate | 02-17-2011 20:59 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50
←Rate | 01-01-2011 09:00 by @psym0niedk9 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!
←Rate | 05-13-2011 13:56 by mmzzain Comments (0)  

   messageicon If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
←Rate | 08-01-2011 20:24 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
←Rate | 06-03-2010 13:18 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?
←Rate | 01-29-2010 14:32 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.
←Rate | 12-08-2010 16:45 by Tommy Chevelle Comments (0)  

   messageicon the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!
←Rate | 03-22-2011 22:18 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.
←Rate | 09-23-2011 15:57 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.
←Rate | 01-08-2012 23:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."
←Rate | 01-09-2012 01:34 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
←Rate | 01-15-2012 10:29 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
←Rate | 12-11-2012 19:16 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
←Rate | 09-19-2011 20:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
←Rate | 11-12-2010 01:03 Comments (0)  

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