Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
←Rate | 11-25-2010 09:38 by Wolf Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
←Rate | 11-10-2009 18:37 by zee Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.
←Rate | 10-24-2011 20:51 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
←Rate | 02-24-2012 10:07 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....
←Rate | 01-12-2013 00:31 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?
←Rate | 02-26-2013 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:44 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
←Rate | 10-25-2012 14:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
←Rate | 11-28-2012 04:56 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 01:26 by Baddie Comments (2)  

   messageicon I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!
←Rate | 07-17-2012 20:52 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
←Rate | 12-15-2012 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 20:29 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
←Rate | 05-07-2014 18:02 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....
←Rate | 04-13-2010 18:24 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....
←Rate | 03-16-2010 13:46 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you
←Rate | 12-18-2010 10:24 by Esoteric Comments (0)  

   messageicon just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!
←Rate | 12-20-2010 07:47 by Elbow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.
←Rate | 09-12-2010 13:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're an asshole.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 14:40 by Aaron Comments (18)  

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