Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
←Rate | 12-08-2011 05:32 by The piper Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep
←Rate | 08-09-2012 18:24 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid
←Rate | 04-05-2010 14:48 by Yaj Comments (2)  

   messageicon "We can still be friends" is like saying "Hey, the dog died but we can keep it"
←Rate | 05-31-2010 16:58 by Laurent Comments (0)  

   messageicon don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
←Rate | 11-18-2009 00:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.
←Rate | 05-03-2011 11:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are means your vagina is!!!
←Rate | 04-09-2011 04:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.
←Rate | 03-30-2011 12:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 15:40 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.
←Rate | 02-11-2011 22:39 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.
←Rate | 09-13-2011 03:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.
←Rate | 09-19-2011 13:58 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!
←Rate | 10-04-2011 12:18 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 12:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.
←Rate | 07-05-2011 15:21 by starchild Comments (1)  

   messageicon Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!
←Rate | 07-07-2011 09:40 by migasjoe Comments (1)  

   messageicon Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.
←Rate | 04-15-2011 11:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.
←Rate | 05-08-2011 20:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
←Rate | 11-10-2011 16:44 by g0re Comments (0)  

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