Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

   would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !

   Hey ladies its Halloween. Feel free to show off your pumpkins!

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies?? You make the decision.

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!

   "Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby

   People dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just hold their phone over the plate, snap a picture, & then upload it to instagram .

   Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic

   Excuse me lady, there is a FACE on your Makeup.

   Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

   Hey Friday, um....you're cool and all but...I'm really into your friend Saturday. We have way more fun together. Sorry :(

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.

   NO Relationship Is Perfect, So You Might As Well Pick The Perfect Person To Go Through Hell With.

   I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces.

   The shutdown is over. Now instead of sitting at home doing nothing the government employees can go to work and do nothing.

   Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times. I found a prostitute who charges by the inch. Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

   My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.