Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. “Would you please shut this Kamala Bishop, she Lysol the time.

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.