Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.

   First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.