Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!

   it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.