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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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07-10-2020 08:41
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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07-13-2020 10:00
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I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.
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04-15-2018 12:30
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love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.
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04-16-2018 15:14
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I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.
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04-19-2018 02:05
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Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.
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04-20-2018 02:40
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Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?
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04-20-2018 14:22
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Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot
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04-23-2018 03:55 by
Jake
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Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools
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04-30-2018 12:58
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I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
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05-02-2018 20:16
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I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
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05-11-2018 22:25
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"Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica
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05-12-2018 12:51
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The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.
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05-14-2018 14:57
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You're not going to be able to build a house with the first swing of the hammer.. so chill the heck out and learn patience...
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05-14-2018 16:52
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I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.
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05-17-2018 06:56
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I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
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05-19-2018 08:19
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Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
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05-26-2018 01:41
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Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.
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06-04-2018 16:07 by
Jake
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I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
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06-06-2018 00:38
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Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge
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06-16-2018 11:26
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