Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
←Rate | 02-14-2016 03:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola.
←Rate | 02-22-2016 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....
←Rate | 04-02-2016 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?
←Rate | 04-06-2016 19:49 by Aaron Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
←Rate | 04-12-2016 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....
←Rate | 04-23-2016 07:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?
←Rate | 04-26-2016 21:49 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"
←Rate | 05-19-2016 02:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
←Rate | 09-14-2016 12:15 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:45 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon United, we put the hospital in hospitality.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate | 04-25-2017 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
←Rate | 04-29-2017 07:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
←Rate | 11-17-2016 06:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you bought a fruitcake this weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.
←Rate | 11-28-2016 06:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
←Rate | 12-14-2016 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
←Rate | 01-10-2017 08:57 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

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