Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   I'm thinking the woman with 4 kids on leashes at Walmart should probably stop buying her condoms at Walmart.

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music.

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   Just build the wall on the Mexican side and call it foreign aid.

   Hillary is now on reason #549 why she lost the election.

   Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

   Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??