Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?
←Rate | 04-20-2018 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot
←Rate | 04-23-2018 03:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools
←Rate | 04-30-2018 12:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 20:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica
←Rate | 05-12-2018 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're not going to be able to build a house with the first swing of the hammer.. so chill the heck out and learn patience...
←Rate | 05-14-2018 16:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.
←Rate | 06-04-2018 16:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
←Rate | 06-06-2018 00:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge
←Rate | 06-16-2018 11:26 Comments (0)  

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