Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools

   I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica

   The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.

   You're not going to be able to build a house with the first swing of the hammer.. so chill the heck out and learn patience...

   I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.

   I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

   Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge