Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."
←Rate | 06-11-2010 18:09 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon hates when his hand falls asleep, it usually means it's going to be up all night
←Rate | 06-15-2010 00:59 by geez Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...
←Rate | 05-14-2011 11:11 by Nperry22 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."
←Rate | 11-05-2013 21:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyway you can take down the "never on schedule, but always on time." comment
←Rate | 12-17-2011 00:40 by biggerstaff Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
←Rate | 04-17-2011 05:50 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someday, I hope to be able to afford an the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.
←Rate | 09-05-2011 11:47 by Mick F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 
←Rate | 04-21-2011 21:56 by Surge Yarmolyuk Comments (0)  

   messageicon Check this one out.........1
←Rate | 09-13-2011 18:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure the asshole that put the extra 'r' in February is the same guy who thought up the spelling for Wednesday...
←Rate | 01-05-2011 08:17 by Derek Comments (1)  

   messageicon I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'
←Rate | 07-22-2012 11:20 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
←Rate | 11-30-2012 04:58 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.
←Rate | 12-26-2011 16:39 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.
←Rate | 08-22-2011 16:22 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"
←Rate | 02-05-2010 22:07 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...
←Rate | 10-10-2009 21:16 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...
←Rate | 09-06-2011 16:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"
←Rate | 03-10-2010 15:16 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas for trip to Walmart: $4.75 Miley Cyrus movie: $19.95 Box of tissue: $2.95 Hand Lotion: $3.78 The look of disgust on the cashiers face:
←Rate | 03-30-2010 13:02 by Samir Momin Comments (4)  

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