Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm super sick, and while I don't need anyone to nurse me back to health but I'd like someone to pick up my tissues and let me be mean to them..
←Rate | 05-17-2010 09:52 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix
←Rate | 11-16-2010 19:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
←Rate | 12-01-2010 08:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."
←Rate | 07-27-2011 11:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
←Rate | 08-11-2010 12:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.
←Rate | 01-31-2011 12:08 by @The69Sheriff Comments (4)  

   messageicon Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"
←Rate | 05-09-2011 17:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros.....sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess
←Rate | 07-30-2009 16:09 by Vitamin N Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...
←Rate | 05-13-2010 20:40 by Senor Frog Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
←Rate | 03-02-2013 07:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.
←Rate | 08-09-2011 14:42 by SuthernFukr Comments (1)  

   messageicon When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that
←Rate | 09-18-2011 15:26 by Mudda Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook
←Rate | 01-07-2011 22:35 by Dany6814 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?
←Rate | 03-22-2010 12:44 by Samir Momin Comments (7)  

   messageicon Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."
←Rate | 03-31-2010 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.
←Rate | 04-04-2010 20:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?
←Rate | 10-21-2011 01:49 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)
←Rate | 06-15-2013 05:13 by Arda Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.
←Rate | 06-12-2011 23:12 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also
←Rate | 07-28-2011 16:30 Comments (0)  

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