Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)
←Rate | 06-15-2013 05:13 by Arda Comments (0)  

   messageicon Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.
←Rate | 10-24-2012 14:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"
←Rate | 03-26-2012 13:34 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave.
←Rate | 11-01-2011 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
←Rate | 03-16-2011 19:57 by Brafty Crastard Comments (0)  

   messageicon wants to say to the nice stranger he saw while driving around, "Next time you wave at me, use all of your fingers."
←Rate | 04-22-2009 01:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my blond sister jus texted me and asked what does "idk" stand for? I said I dont know. she said OMG! nobody does!
←Rate | 10-15-2009 14:05 by sellers82 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
←Rate | 08-25-2010 09:31 by lemonpillow Comments (10)  

   messageicon haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
←Rate | 05-11-2010 17:18 by pailb808 Comments (0)  

   messageicon never apologizes. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am....
←Rate | 01-22-2010 12:59 by Y.P Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.
←Rate | 11-03-2010 14:07 by Kobrah Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wonders why people stare at you when they catch you talking to yourself...EXCUSE ME but I'm having a conversation here!!!
←Rate | 12-03-2010 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
←Rate | 01-26-2012 21:45 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.
←Rate | 08-28-2011 13:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that's coming.
←Rate | 05-18-2011 17:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."
←Rate | 09-15-2011 20:07 by Mick F Comments (0)  

   messageicon I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For Extra Volume and Body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".
←Rate | 03-01-2011 16:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The awkward moment when one of your friends has the same facebook status as you...Damn this page.. they are onto me!
←Rate | 03-24-2011 12:55 by BOO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.
←Rate | 09-06-2011 15:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.
←Rate | 04-20-2011 17:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

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