Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   some of these jokes are funny some are corny, but it is sure better than hate that some of you idiots post

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   The WHO doesn't deserve funding since they haven't put out an album since the 1970's.

   The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad