Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end
←Rate | 02-19-2020 14:28 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is reading all the 's' word in the dictionary. I think she's up to something.
←Rate | 02-20-2020 13:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"
←Rate | 02-21-2020 14:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.
←Rate | 02-27-2020 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see
←Rate | 03-01-2020 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...
←Rate | 03-06-2020 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
←Rate | 03-06-2020 09:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
←Rate | 03-12-2020 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.
←Rate | 03-18-2020 20:37 by Klh Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."
←Rate | 03-19-2020 07:11 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic
←Rate | 03-19-2020 08:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.
←Rate | 03-20-2020 00:06 by T Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"
←Rate | 03-26-2020 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
←Rate | 03-26-2020 15:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.
←Rate | 03-30-2020 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.
←Rate | 05-27-2020 21:35 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
←Rate | 06-16-2020 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.
←Rate | 06-18-2020 20:34 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

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