Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end

   My wife is reading all the 's' word in the dictionary. I think she's up to something.

   A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"

   A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

   Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

   Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

   If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic

   I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.

   I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"

   Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.