Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum

   Single guys; your married friends will buy your lunch just to hear sex stories. Do like I do and just make them up…

   Dear world, please don't end till after after my four day weekend is complete. Thank you.

   I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.

   Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.

   Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness

   Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.

   Every maternity ward is just a Facebook wall post factory.

   I want what ever Kristen Stewart is on!! She is anywhere but at the freakin Oscars!!!

   I swear my wife buys sports bras just to piss me off...

   I remember a day when actions used to speak louder than words. Then along came Facebook.

   If I had a mood ring on today, it'd be flashing like a disco ball..!

   it's unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   There is no game if you refuse to play.