Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt

   Dear world, please don't end till after after my four day weekend is complete. Thank you.

   I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

   I just got a call from the NFL office...they must have gotten wind of that 1 flag football game I ref'd in 2002

   it's only perverted if she says no...

   I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.

   Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.

   Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness

   Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button

   Send a SEAL team into the militant's barracks at night, scatter legos and matchbox cars on the floor, pull the fire alarm and unleash a weapon of mass distruction more powerful than the world has ever seen before. Syrian conflict solved!

   A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.

   Every maternity ward is just a Facebook wall post factory.

   To quit smoking I can either take a pill that may make me want to kill myself, or take no pills and want to kill someone else...... Conundrum

   Single guys; your married friends will buy your lunch just to hear sex stories. Do like I do and just make them up…

   I want what ever Kristen Stewart is on!! She is anywhere but at the freakin Oscars!!!