Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life coach just benched me.

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   People who always use analogies are like a mosquito in your sleeping bag.

   wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to say ‘make love' without using a funny voice. I usually go with the deep, Spanish accent.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   It's a known fact that hopping on one leg after stubbing your toe helps to relieve the pain.

   I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.

   When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell

   The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides!

   Well today was a total waste of makeup.

   At the rate at which I'm going I doubt if I'll remember the last week of 2010....

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't

   Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.

   "I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

   Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."