Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.

   The kiss of death is what happens after the "I do's"

   One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already

   Not today, people with initiative. Not today.

   I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   A good business idea: Open a Pho restaurant that never closes, calling it Twenty Pho Seven.

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I'm eating pizza alone.

   If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are drowning and you can save just one, what kind of cupcakes are you baking?

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?

   Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....

   One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice....no they don't, oh no they don't.

   Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!

   Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.