Funny Status Messages

   DEVELOPING NEWS: The U.S. Government is shutting down....IN OTHER MORE IMPORTANT DEVELOPING NEWS: I've already started DRINKING!!!! The Government can tax me, but they can't ruin my FRIDAY!!!

   The first step is admitting you're a problem.

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   Why do they even make car alarms anymore? When's the last time you heard one and didn't just walk away muttering about what a douche they are?

   We designed iPhone 5 to fit your hand. Just where your money used to be.

   Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word "hey"

   I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   So Taylor Swift is single? Again? Please allow me to express my sincere shock at this sudden and unexpected turn of events.

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   If you're having a bad day, remember that somewhere in the world, someone willingly got a Nickelback tattoo. And they love it.

   I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.

   It turns out that men are literally putting their lives on the line just licking a vag, and there are still women who don't swallow.