Funny Status Messages
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if you take a shot and yell "cinco de mayo!" its a celebration. If you take a shot and yell "Wednesday!" its an intervention 
The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!
If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.
Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy
A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.
Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.
I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."
A statement on the entrance to a graveyard: This place is full of people who thought that the world can't do without them.
It should no longer be cranberry sauce, it is cranberry jell-o... Sauce does not retain the shape of the can
Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.
They said not to sniff markers, but then they made scented ones...
i use to have a coke problem........ now its just pepsi
sometimes I feel like a crayon in a box full of markers...
One thing I've learned: I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted, then used against me.
Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!
Note to self: If you ever accidentally bump into a person who looks just like the young woman who starred in "Precious", do not ask her if she's the young woman who starred in "Precious"....Geeeeeez
Patience is not a virtue, its a waste of time.
They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...
Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?
Confucious says Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right 