Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beer commercials taught me good looking people like horrible beer.

   I'm sure you will find someone nice. But You can't shake the wh0re tree and hope an angel falls out...

   I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.

   I solve many of my problems by simply ignoring them

   The only Royal Crown I'm interested in at 4am is some Crown Royal..

   You seem to resemble a feminine hygiene product one might typically use on a summers eve...and the bag it came in.....just sayin!!

   The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

   The voices in my head got mad and stopped speaking to me...now I'm bored

   Teacher: "What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?" Smartass: "Pull down its genes."

   The bible say, "thou shalt love thy neighbor" which means, take your password off your wifi!!

   Nobody can tell you who I am or what I am all about. Nobody can describe me or explain me to you. Knowing me is something you will just have to do yourself.

   We all have the power to change one thing a day in our lives...besides underwear.

   Looks like Hugh Hefner's fiance finally got her cataracts removed and called off the wedding realizing she'd have to wake up everyday next to a dude that looks worse than the dead guy on "A Weekend at Bernie's"

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"

   I wish I had a fly swatter with me, when I sit next to people who dont cover their mouth when they yawn or cough.

   how can Facebook ask “whats on my mind” then have a limit on how long your status can be ?

   wHeN yOu TyPe LiKe ThIs It GiVeS mE a HeAdAcHe AnD iT tAkEs TwIcE aS lOnG tO tYpE AnD I WaNt To ClAmP yOuR fAcE iN a GeOrGe FoReMaN gRiLl ...

   Dear Lean Cuisine, Your microwave lunches are small. My body does not get 35MPG like most people. I get more like 12MPG with a strong tail wind. Please help. Love, Me

   Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

   That moment when you realize you hit "reply all"